I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
