I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
