Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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