Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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