i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
