She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
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I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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