Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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