i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
