my phone needs a breathalizer
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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