all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
