I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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