sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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