yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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