i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
