There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
