Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
