dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
