I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
