i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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