He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
