(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
