Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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