on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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