he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
