New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Mom said you looked used
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
