My room smells like vodka and shame
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
