also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
