I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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