just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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