o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
