i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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