At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
