i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
