he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
