i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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