Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
