remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
