If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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