I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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