wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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