And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
