R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
