It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
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You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.