If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
