dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
my liver is dry heaving
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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