i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
