saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize