I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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