so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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