I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize