quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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