he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You did what with his pubic hair?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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